Hi, my name is Marci. This is not a story where we overcame hurdles and are cured. This is a story of struggles that ebb and flow. A story about mental illness and the unfortunate stigma attached to it. As Iyanla Vanzant once said, “When you stand and tell your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal someone else.” This has now become my passion…to speak openly and honestly about what my family has been through and help as many people as I can. I am finally healed. 

I checked all the boxes of what is considered to be a good mother. I loved my children fiercely. I was present, affectionate and a good role model. I never missed an event in their lives, always their biggest cheerleader at soccer tournaments, dance competitions, baseball and basketball games. I was interested, involved, asked questions, knew their friends, was in contact with their teachers etc… So why did I blame myself when we started to have issues? I thought for sure it was all my fault. Did I not love them enough? Was I not there for them enough? Where did I go wrong? I felt for a long time I was the villain of this story. It wasn’t until I became educated on what was actually going on and did my own work that I realized I was the hero. 

My daughter was diagnosed with separation anxiety in 7th grade. She had trouble going anywhere without me. There were many days where I had to push her out the door to go to dance class, or leave her on the sidewalk at Hebrew school. I was told that she had to work through the anxious feelings in order to overcome them. It was heartbreaking to watch her suffer. Often, she just couldn’t go to school or would go and end up in the guidance counselor’s office. I kept what we were going through hidden from almost everyone except my closest friends. I was afraid her suffering would somehow mar who people thought she was. I also thought it would be viewed as a result of poor parenting. I thought I could manage it all myself. I’d smile, hold it together and pretend.  Eventually it became too much and I fell into a depression. 

In later years my daughter developed a binge eating disorder, had bouts of depression, explosive anger and acting out. It wasn’t until we sent her to a wilderness therapy program that we got to the root cause of all her issues. Wilderness therapy gave me my daughter back. She spent 78 days in the woods with no shower, toilet or running water. She hiked for miles every 2 days with 100 pound pack on her back. She had to cook her own meals after making a fire with only sticks and her two hands. As grueling as this all may sound she will tell you it was the happiest she had ever felt in her life. She then went on to a young adult transitional program for 10 months where she honed the skills she learned in wilderness and made them a part of who she is. My daughter is now confident, happy, healthy and going to college in the fall. While I am incredibly proud of the work she has done and have faith that her future is bright, I will always keep my eyes wide open. 

My son called us in February of his freshman year in college and said that he needed to come home. He had basically not gone to any classes and was failing. What we didn’t fully understand at the time was that he was suffering with social anxiety and OCD and self-medicating with marijuana. We were completely blindsided. This was a smart, sweet, well-adjusted kid who never showed any signs. The truth is he was hiding it and suffering. After 2 IOP’s, a sober living and a young adult transitional program my son is happy, healthy, armed with the tools he needs and ready to begin his life again. 

When dealing with mental illness the journey never ends. There will be good days and bad days. It’s how we choose to deal with what’s thrown our way that’s important. If I had withdrawn or refused to see or accept what was happening, where would my kids be? As hard as these past 6years have been, I have learned invaluable lessons and have completely changed my mindset. I am no longer the depressed mother hiding her children’s struggles. I am now the mother who speaks at mental health forums across Atlanta, the one who helps families in crisis and the one who now feels completely free and empowered. 

If you are going through any of what I have described, make sure you take care of yourself. You are no good to anyone if you are a mess. Ask for help. Seek out the best you can find. In this social media age of Fakebook, Insta-feel-bad, snap a lie and endless selfies, be the person who spreads honesty. Be the one who lends a compassionate ear without judgement. But mostly talk and don’t stop because you are not alone and together we can end the stigma.