Now that I have decided to publicly share my journey people ask, “Why the change”? I have so many feelings arise when this question is asked. First comes anger. I have always been a very kind and happy person and would love to say, “What have I ever done to you that makes you ask that”? Next comes compassion. I’m sorry you feel being mindful and living in the moment should be judged. I am even sorrier you don’t even see you are judging me. Lastly, I feel excitement. I want to explain everything. I want everyone to see the beauty of their own life if they make just a few small conscious decisions every day.
I did not just wake up one day and decide to be a different person. I have always enjoyed life, try to see the good in every one and situation, am young at heart and almost always smiling.
I have been through many personal, social and health obstacles. Starting with a horrible car accident at 17 that nearly killed one of my closest friends at the time. I was the driver. The guilt and pain I felt for years was almost unbearable. It took a post from her about the accident for me to get the courage to apologize. I was crying uncontrollably writing my message to her. Then the most amazing thing happened. She forgave me. She said the most beautiful things to me and I felt that I could finally forgive myself and let it all go. That was the start of my journey and it was almost 10 years ago. Ironic that the situation eating at my soul for so long was the thing to set me free.
Like the rest of the world I have had social issues. There have been friendships that have gone awry. Wondering what could have been said or done differently so all this pain and animosity didn’t exist? These are situations I have just let go. I am a fixer. I do not see things in black and white. There is always a gray. If you are dealing with someone that only sees black there can not be a resolution. You must let it go. When a situation does not serve you in a positive way and begins to affect your personality, mental being and almost all aspects of your life in a negative manner you have to let it go.
As for my health, well, I will probably be speaking about that the most. Like I have said before, on paper I am not a healthy girl. But, I choose to be positive and work my ass off every day fighting all my diagnoses. I will always look for the sun peeking out from the storm. When I was diagnosed I didn’t cry or crawl up in a ball and think my life was over. I decided I was going to be a warrior. What I didn’t realize is that I was going it about in the wrong way. For many years I never spoke about my health. 99% of my inner circle didn’t even know I had lupus. Even my children didn’t know. I never complained. I spent days in so much pain. I couldn’t bend my fingers, I was so tired, my hair hurt! Only when I got to a point that I couldn’t walk up my stairs or get into my own bed without my husband carrying me I knew I had to do something. I started to become more vocal about my disease. I began to research diets and exercises that make me feel good. I now know the limitations of my daily activities and take a break when my body says no more.
All of these things and more are who I am and a huge part of my journey. None of this is new information. There hasn’t been a change in me. I have just decided if my journey can help even one person I am going to tell it. I hope you will continue to support and follow me.
Be Happy and Smile