My name is Laura Amherst, psychology student, writer and mum to one daughter, my world Adriana.

 I am excited and grateful to share with you, the dear readers of sovereign, my no fluff experiences with complex mental health issues, what treatment I am getting, how I am feeling, what I am learning and what changes are happening in my life. All I can hope for is that it will provide a little insight, relief and hope. In my week by week account, I will explore with you the real time experience that I’m unravelling with and for myself, through the unique lens of mental illness and recovery.

The main message behind my writing to you dear readers is this; there is always a way through even the darkest of times, you just have to hold on for the ride, and believe that things will get better no matter how long it takes. “When we are loved, we begin to genuinely heal and grow”

Here is a little of my backstory that I really want to give you as context to set you up for what I will be sharing in the weeks to follow.

By no means am I defined by a diagnosis, but I am a woman living with borderline personality disorder, depression and social anxiety.

I recently started an excellent therapy specifically for my issues and I am going to dive deep into my thoughts and feelings about my progress here with you.

 So, in less than a year I will be 30.

I’m an only child who was separated from my mother at the age of 2, and I have struggled with issues of identity (confusion and emptiness) for my entire life. My borderline disorder has affected all aspects of my experience in interlinked ways and has caused me a lot of pain.

 Bear with me, it’s not as bad as it first seems! In a nutshell, borderline people have gone through trauma (usually absent, or invalidating/abusive parenting) and have developed an extreme sensitivity to feelings of rejection and abandonment.

 Due to this they have some very unhelpful patterns of thinking, infused with shame and defensiveness, and this causes them to act in emotionally unstable ways in their interactions with others. They have not learnt the necessary life skills to overcome their intense reality (even though it’s in their head from a time long ago!) And there are quite a few social barriers for them, due to how they have become. They are stuck in destructive cycles to try to get relief from their intense emotions that stem from feelings of inadequacy, their longings and in certain respects their misguided lives, and in some way they try to get their needs met. Their emotions mainly affect relationships, and their behaviors can range from addiction to attempting suicide; but they are not inherently anti social or criminal or other things usually associated with personality disorders due to lack of understanding. This is the jist of it, but it does manifest in different ways in different people.

Borderline is very unique, raw and sad. But underneath it all lies a lot of beauty and hope.

 Due to my BPD, I have suffered with depression and anxiety as accompanying issues throughout my entire life. 

Bullied badly in school, I developed social anxiety on top of the other stuff I didn’t know how to cope with, and was trying to ignore! I could go into much more detail, and to be honest I am quite passionate about the complexities and reasons behind personality disorders, and a part of me is desperate to share information about it with anyone prepared to listen, to break the stigma and help people who really need it, receive the understanding, acceptance and love they deserve to heal.

 My perspective as someone with borderline personality is as follows: there are very real reasons behind it all that can be unravelled and understood and worked through. Sufferers did not ask for these specific set of issues, and they need skills training to overcome them. Nobody can help them until they are ready to help themselves. Lack of knowledge, misdiagnosis and stigma are the main barriers to helping these people find relief and live more happy fulfilling lives. effective communication, unconditional love, radical acceptance and genuine support are key.

These are the things that I have struggled for and needed along the way, and things that I feel are crucial to recovery.

I am going to talk candidly so perhaps someone reading this with similar problems can feel a little less alone in the world, and feel confident to take the required steps to heal.